Handling Accusations of Stealing as a Caregiver for a Loved One with Dementia

Another one of the hardest parts about dementia was being accused of stealing. What do you do when the person you love is absolutely convinced you've taken everything they own?

The stealing started early on. Mum would tell me that her keys were missing, then it was the pots, pans, plates, and her clothes—just strange "missing" items. Even her pillows at one point. When her handbag went missing, and all the keys had been "stolen", I realised the disease had progressed.

At first, I didn’t really understand what was happening. Trying to reason with Mum that maybe she had forgotten where she put the keys/handbag was met with a lot of anger and frustration. So I did my research to find out. I wanted to be prepared.

With dementia, people can become completely convinced that someone is stealing from them. They’ll believe someone is coming into the house and taking the mail, or clothes or money, or keys. It doesn't make sense to us but it does to them.

The fear of this theft becomes so overwhelming that they start hiding things in "safe" places—places so out of the ordinary... mum got very creative (oh, maybe that's where I get it from).

And then they forget where they hid it. They are just trying to make sure the thief (be it you or someone else) can't steal anymore.

When or if you try to reason with them, they get defensive and angry because, in their mind, the theft is real. I often wondered if accusing me was somehow her way of protecting herself. I mean, it must be impossible to know you've hidden something, yet have no memory of doing it. I had cameras, so I could often see exactly where she'd hidden things. But I was never going to show her the footage because there was no point. It wouldn't have benefited either of us. It would only have fuelled the flames. So I suppose I took the hits where I could if it meant she felt a little more comfortable.

Whilst researching, I read something that really stuck with me. It said that, for someone with dementia, it's as if they watched something happen with their own eyes. They know it happened. They lived it. And then someone comes along and tells them it never happened.

These moments are so real, and yet we're telling them they're not. So I had to adjust to her reality.

I told mum that I had cameras in some places, and that seemed to work for a while. But as dementia progressed, things got worse. She misplaced soooooo many items, and we couldn’t find them, so I installed more cameras. Things were constantly going “missing.”

I got to the point that I would tell her it was me. “I put it somewhere and can’t remember where,” but she would become so upset and accuse me of stealing.

It was heartbreaking because she was absolutely convinced it was true. I was stealing, according to her. Why would I do something so awful, she would say. Why was I trying to drive her mad?

What can you do when they truly believe it? It didn't stop hurting, as you know. What could I do to convince her?

Arguing never helps because they can't understand what’s happening to them. They're just trying to protect their things from being stolen. I get that. The cameras helped me figure out where she hid things, and I even started putting trackers in her handbag, purse and keys.

Look, this isn’t to say that I never lost it.

After months of constant accusations, I would sometimes shout in frustration, saying, “If I stole all your money, I’d be in Switzerland inhaling chocolate, not here taking care of you and dealing with this every day!"

I even threatened to leave, that she would never see me again and no-one would take care of her, but she was so angry, she didn’t care. These outbursts from me weren’t frequent—maybe once every six months—but when they happened, I felt awful afterward. I'd think, "What kind of person are you to shout at an old, sick lady with dementia?" But the relentless nature of it all can push anyone to their breaking point.

But then I realised, she was scared and confused and she was accusing the person that’s closest to her and taking care of them the most. That person was me. The person who is the primary caregiver of the person with dementia will get hit the most. I've heard that throughout. I suppose, we just need to remember, It’s NOT mum - it’s the disease.

If you're going through this, I feel your pain. You do so much for them, and yet, it feels like they can’t see it. My heart goes out to you, and I hope some of these tips can help.

Install Cameras: It helps you track where things are being hidden, and gives you peace of mind.

Declutter: Simplify! Less clutter means fewer places for them to hide things, and it makes finding items easier.

Lock Drawers & Close Off Spaces: Limit access to drawers and cabinets where things could be hidden. You can use child locks.

Trackers: Place trackers on items like handbags, wallets, and keys. Figure out what your loved one carries the most, and attach trackers. Have duplicates of keys - lots of them! I used large, bright, easy-to-spot keyrings.

Prepare for the Accusations: Understand that they’ll often accuse the person closest to them—their primary caregiver. And if you are the primary dementia caregiver - you get it. It’s not them; it’s the disease.

Notify your Local Police: You may want to inform the police that your loved one has dementia, in case they ever accuse you or someone else of theft.

---

How did you handle being accused of theft? Share your comments below.